SUVA, FIJI (The Daily Strawberry) – Thousands of Yahoo employees are expected to leave this South Pacific island nation as the company announced staff can no longer work from afar, but must report to the office in California every morning.
The struggling internet giant, which has been bypassed by Google and Facebook, announced the changes in an effort to improve morale and efficiency.
“I want all hands on deck”, said Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer. “I don’t even know who works here. For some employees, the only contact we have with them is the salary we put in their bank account every month. Where they are and what they do? Nobody knows.”
“It was too good to last,” said a Yahoo employee who spoke on the condition of anonymity to preserve his relationship with the firm. “We were having a great time here on a tropical island and Yahoo just kept sending us money. The full moon parties. Wow. And the bikini babes. And the sailing and the seafood. Life doesn’t get any better than this.”
Fiji Tourism Minister Aiyaz Sayed-Khaiyum said the local economy would suffer without the Yahooians. “They came. And they stayed and they spent and spent,” said the minister. “We will miss them.”
“Yahoo?”, said a female employee our reporter encountered on the beach. “Sure, I send them an email now and then. Just to tell them my project is on schedule. Which project? I have forgotten. But I can tell you about some really nice diving spots around here.”